Existence

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It took about 6 weeks after Thomas left the relationship (and consequently left my three children too – even his own biological one) before the crying jags and constant suicidal thoughts finally begin to slow into something somewhat manageable.

During this time situations would come up to where I would have to eliminate bits of him out of random parts of my life that I had forgotten about, such as deleting his name from various emergency contact lists.  One particular instance like this that came up was the moment that I realized my login password at work needed to change.  The one that I had been using was a combination of my name and Thom’s.  As I signed in to create a new password I had to stop and think of what clever memory I could use now.    What could I possibly have to live for anymore?  I was only going through the motions of life on autopilot because I had no other choice but to try to look and act strong for my children.  I was not living at all; I was merely existing.  “Existence6,” I typed in.  And as soon as I did this a memory of a song was triggered.  It was a song with the title of “Existence,” by an independent Californian artist named Shylah Ray Sunshine.  The song’s message was one of accepting  all things in existence, of not letting fear control your life and of finding and utilizing the Divine within yourself.  It stopped me dead in my tracks in the middle of the sales floor at work.

Since the day he had left I’d hardly listened to any music – it all had hurt too much.  When he left and gave me his reasons why it was like the light literally went out of my eyes and out of my soul.  This by far was not my first heartbreak (and in fact it was probably about the 5th time we’d broken up in the off and on 17 years we’d known each other).  But I had never had someone devastate me the way that he did – that will be a story for another time.  The few times that I did try to listen to any music in those days all I could take a semblance of comfort in was all of the old go-to music from Bouts of Depression Pasts, stuff like The Cure or Alanis Morissette.  In fact my mother had scolded me for not “looking for positive upbeat music to uplift me”.   Just the thought of trying to listen to anything like that set my every nerve ending in my body on fire.  After all, as Morrissey once sang, “To pretend to be happy would only be idiocy.”

I hadn’t listened to the “Existence” track in months, but suddenly I couldn’t wait to get off work to pull it up on my phone on my drive home to be reacquainted with it.  And as I did so and re-discovered this song all over again for the first time in almost 2 months I got a glimmer of hope, which was a feeling I honestly really believed in those weeks that I may never feel again.  As I listened the song many more times throughout the next few  following days I realized that I had been only “merely existing”  long before Thomas had left.   I had really only been living something of a half life pretty much every since the very moment we had reconciled.   And this confused me.  Hadn’t he been the man that I had considered the great love of my life? Hadn’t I been ecstatic that we had gotten another chance together?

I wanted more than to merely just exist.  I wanted to live “beyond existence”; I wanted to live in a way similar to how the song described existing.  I knew in order to do that I was going to have to change the way that I was accepting my fate and my entire process of thinking.  And “just like that” a new life goal begin to cultivate, and I had a whole new reason to exist.

Existence – Shylah Ray Sunshine 

Stepping out of righteousness

Recognizing Oneness

No separation of you and I and that and this

We are playing one game

Everyone who wins the same

I allow all things to exist today

I allow all things to exist in their own way

I exist in my own way

And I am…

Powerful Creatress

Living in The Matrix

Source of all wisdom

Endless bliss queendom

We will all manifest

We will all rise

Raising our consciousness

Opening our eyes

We can do anything

As long as we try

Whoever said that the limit was the sky?

I had a dream and I’m living it everyday

Learning not to let my fears get in the way

Oh and I’m reaching in myself and

Oh I smile at what I’m feeling

Know that you are God and God is love

When you pray do you pray to above?

When you pray do you pray to below?

When you pray you can pray to yourself

Because you know that

You are so powerful

You are the one you’ve been waiting for

You are so powerful

You are the one you’ve been waiting for

So much to be aware of

Nothing to be scared of

We have a relationship with Spirit

Gotta find the instinct, intuition

Don’t think you are living this life alone, oh no

We were born into a world so vast

We’ve got to slow down and not move too fast

We have been given the gift of life

Blessed are these days and sacred are these nights

Oh and I’m reaching into my soul

Oh and I just knew that I know

We are a part of a circle of family

And how long will it take for us to see?

And how long will it take for us to be?

And what more could we possibly think we need?

Just be…

We are so powerful

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for

We are so powerful

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for

I am so powerful

I am the one I’ve been waiting for

I am so powerful

I am the one…

Chastised Existence

 

I remember the very moment that I knew the energies in my life were about to make yet another shift that would shake me and my family to its very core.  And my family had been shaken so many times before I didn’t think we could take yet another rattle. But it was coming.  In this very moment I felt the pressure of the change in energy in the room; I could feel it closing in around me, stifling and suffocating.

I was a 40 year old single mother of three small children, and I was standing with my back to the stove in the dark and cramped kitchen of the apartment that I rented.   My eyes were cast downward and my face burned feverishly as the rest of my body was both simultaneously on fire and frigidly chilled by the words being projected at me from the other person in the kitchen.  “Look.  I’ve had a really stressful week.  I’m tired and I just want to go home,” is what he said to me.  Seemingly harmless, yes?  Except that the words were spoken in such a shockingly cold way that they were almost dripping with anger to the point of malevolence.  And he had been in my home less than two minutes.

Chastised, my eyes threatening to brim with tears, I merely said in a small voice, “Um… okay.”  This man, Thomas Moore* (all names here changed, including mine) was my first ex-husband, also age 40. He is the father of my 11 year old daughter, Karma Moore*.  We had divorced 8 years before but at this time we were in a reconciled relationship working toward remarriage.  On this particular day Karma had somehow lost her house keys on her way home from school.  When I had gotten home from work I’d called Thom when I knew he was driving home from work as well and told him.  He had said he’d stop by my place and help look for them just in case she had lost them at home.  I hadn’t asked him to do this.

Now I stood meekly before him in my chastised existence. Karma and I (along with my two other children) had somehow inconvenienced him again.  I tried to retrace my thoughts to see if I could find the point where we had upset him.  He turned to exit our home through the back door (which was located in the kitchen) but turned briefly to me again and threw another comment at me as a parting shot.  “Karma better get her ass moving tomorrow morning when I come by to take her to school.  I’m not in the mood to put up with her shit.”  He slammed the door, and my existence was slammed with it.

Much later that evening, after the kids were settled and attempting to go to sleep, I called Thom once more.  I had battled with that decision for hours because I was afraid to stress him or upset him.   Putting too much stress or demand on him meant that he would leave me again and that was a possibility  that I just could not accept.  But I couldn’t control my building anxiety another moment.  “What was all that about?” I immediately asked when he answered the call, and I continued, “Why were you in such a horrible mood?  I didn’t ask you to come over so why…?”

“I’m  sorry,” Thomas told me, and this time his voice was now in the perfectly calm and soft tone that I was used to.  ” I’ve just been stressed out at work this week.”  ( I would find out later that his stress was actually caused by the fact a twenty-something online “friend” was sending him nude selfies and he wanted to be free so he could enjoy them and her guilt-free).  “I’ll tell you what,” he continued.  “This Saturday we will go out and do something really nice, just you and me.”

“That would be awesome,” I replied and we finished the conversation.  All was well, I believed.  I was just over-thinking again and letting my natural anxious nature win, I told myself.  After all he’d just surprised me with a dozen roses less than a week before so that had to mean everything was fine.

My existence had purpose once again.