Releasing THAT Existence

Without me actually realizing it last month became the ultimate release of attachments I’ve had for much too long.  I spent countless hours researching narcissistic psychopaths (and recovering from relationships with them) and for the first time in years things begin to make sense.  I found a wonderful private Facebook support group dealing with surviving this type of emotional abuse that I have become very active in. Many times I still use it to vent, but there are other times that I actually have begun to counsel people through their own healing processes with my experiences.  It’s liberating.  I finally feel like I am moving forward, and I am not doing it in my usual codependent way.

During the last few weeks my youngest son, Anton*, had to be hospitalized.  He is special needs (Autistic Spectrum, severe ADHD, Disruptive Mood Disregulation Disorder, Neurofibromatosis). At first his hospitalization became a trigger that mentally threw me back to six months ago when he was hospitalized for the first time for his psychiatric issues. Thomas and I had been seemingly “happily coupled” at that time, and he had promised me that it did not bother him and I had all of the emotional support that I would need from him. My two sons, Chandler Hutchinson* (age 7) and Anton Hutchinson* (age 6) are the children from my second marriage that I hoped someday Thomas would accept as his own.  I only dared to hope so because Thomas had repeatedly pursued me as I was in the middle of divorcing my second husband, Micheal Hutchinson*.  

But now Anton was in the hospital sick again and Thomas had been gone for weeks.  For the first few days I didn’t know how I would survive it and I felt I “had no one”.  But every night I was very active in my Facebook therapy group and they (along with conversations with my mother outside of the group) started to help me realize just exactly how little Thomas had helped. Truthfully all he had done was take me out to dinner one night and then up to the hospital (without bothering to visit Anton himself).  Another night he had tried to cheer me up in a text by suggesting I should send him… ahem… sexy selfies.  Um…what?!?  That is not something I have ever done and certainly not something that we needed to be doing after being together on and off for so many years. When I balked at his suggestion he had told me, “But this is what adults do.”  I told him, “No, ADULTS live together and sleep in the same bed,” and I could tell he didn’t like that reaction very much. (Of course later in the relationship he would find somebody to fill his sexy selfie supply for him).

Through reliving this memory as it really was I began to realize that this time around with Anton’s problems that I did have plenty of somebodies for emotional support. Even though I had had a horrible 6 year marriage with Michael Hutchinson, we’d had a civil divorce and co-parent the boys pretty well. I had my extended family, and I had Karma at home who was always doing most anything she could to help me around the house (in what I suspect is an attempt to fill the void that is in her life when Thom disappeared from her as well).

Anton’s second hospitalization made me realize that even the rosy colored memories I had had with the last year-and-a-half with Thom were really actually pretty tarnished.  All of them.

It has been two and a half months since the “discard” when everything ended with Thom.   Karma and I have had zero contact with him in the past 34 days. And that is even with him still living just three doors away.   I cannot describe the peace that is starting to cultivate in our family dynamic; I can only say that it is most unexpected.

I am finally accepting that it is possible to let go of that dream, and that the dream was actually never worth the love and the hope that I was putting into it.

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