I’ll be the first one to admit it – in the past 2 months I have been quite vocal about carrying my “victim card”. My membership in this special program not only covers the disintegration of what I thought was going to be my future ( although that is a great big huge part of it) but also many other things that I deal with in my day to day life as well. (For example my youngest child is special needs and is currently hospitalized because of his disorder yet again. Or that I am up for a big promotion at work that now I am suddenly scared to actually accept because I let a person close to me completely shit on what little confidence I had, and now I am terrified to make any major life decision). It’s true, lately I have not been just “carrying” that victim card for all to see. I have been living with it 24/7. I psychologically wear it on my groovy “I believe in magic!” lanyard; I let it weigh me down like a millstone tied to my neck.
People are really starting to notice. I’m being told that it is time to stop focusing on all of that hurt and anger. Intellectually I know that they are right and I know that this is true. I have had a dear friend or two tell me that at this point my ex should have no power over me. (One of those friends was kind enough to speak it over me as an affirmation and not at all in a judgemental way). There was a final turning point where I declared even to the abuser himself (Thomas Moore) that I was no longer giving him power over me. Blessedly that has been the last contact I had with him, and I have since blocked all forms of social media or communication with him. The “No Contact” implementation has been very liberating. Intellectually I am on board with all of this. But emotionally? Well, that pesky “heart stuff” is having trouble cauterizing the gaping wound.
So why was this relationship (and in particular this breakup after many before – with him or others – at the experienced age of 40) so important and so hard for me to move forward from? There are a list of reasons but at this point I will only go into one. I believed him to be “the only partner I’d had who wasn’t abusive/who actually truly loved me.”
In my life I have only had three uber-serious relationships and two of them became eventual husbands/fathers of my children. Of those three partnerships two of them were very volatile and obviously abusive. The relationship with Thom had not been. He’d had a very soft-spoken and easy going way about him, and we rarely had arguments in our on and off 10 years together. He had always given me tons of space and breathing room, unlike the other jealous or clingy lovers of the past. He seemed to understand me and connect with me on a deep soul level in a way no one else ever had. But as it turned out Mr. Moore was actually the biggest abuser of them all. He was just much more cunning on his techniques of emotional control. That is what Narcissists do.
Ironically I had never really considered or much come across the term “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (or Narcissistic Sociopath/Narcissistic Psychopath) until those last few months with Mr. Moore. I started coming across it in a Facebook singles/divorce group. Each article or random Facebook user comment on the subject was shedding light on some characteristics within the relationship I was at that time involved in with Mr. Moore. Each time I got those feelings I would immediately go into rationalization and denial mode. Surely he couldn’t be this? But those pesky alarms of intuition just kept going off no matter how deep down I tried to stuff those feelings away. Recollections of behaviours he had off and on displayed even as far back as when we’d met back in 1999 resonated with what I was reading. I was beginning to realize that I had ignored my intuition… both in the 10 years that we were together and in those 7 years in between that we were not. It was a mistake that I would later pay dearly for.
(Credit: Annie Kaszina).
I believe that the excerpt above was the first article I read on dealing with a Narcissistic ex partner after Mr. Moore’s initial discard. The moment my destroyed psyche began to process this article became the moment that denial and rationalization of the obvious no longer had a place in my intellect or heart, and this was exactly who I was dealing with.
Do I need to relinquish the victim card? Definitely. There are days that I know for certain I am in the process of doing that and that I am moving forward. Then there are days that I seem to be taking three steps back and have to yet again attempt to pick myself up and brush myself off. But I am a Divine being and I will do this, even if my pace may not be comfortable for some.
I will continue to share my experiences even if it is simply to strengthen my own cathartic process. But honestly I have hope that my words will spread a bit of awareness as well, awareness that this type of emotionally abusive partnership is not normal and definitely not acceptable. For anyone. Ever.